This blog is going to start with at a simple statement and it is:
Your proximity to someone doesn't mean you know more.
This seems pretty obvious, but sometimes it just needs to be explained and addressed. While I am going to frame this specifically around adoption, it honestly, this applies to anything you don't have the first-hand experience in (ie: you are LIVING IT).
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My name is Brittany Nash. It's a passing white name. It's not questioned on resumes or when someone picks up the phone to call me. Because I wasn't raised with AAVE my voice passes as white. But I've watched how people's approach changes when they discover I'm a black woman.
This is just one lesson on how assumptions and racism come into play for me as an adoptee.
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I was being watched. I could feel it. Sometimes it was so subtle that I felt I was just by chance in their line of sight. A casual 'hi' as I passed by. Looking me directly in the eye when I asked a question.
But other times, the pull of their grazes was so strong, I had to learn to not turn and seek them out. The glances would make my heart beat fast and made me want to run for cover.
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One particular blizzard was bad. For multiple days I laid near the end of my bed that had a west facing window. I watched the snow blow and make hills while an occasional car or truck or snow plow would make their way by. I would press my fingers into the frost that had collected on the windows and play with the worn headphone cord of my little hand held radio to make sure it was just so so latest pop and country hits would play in each ear.
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When you stand in front of people knowing you are worthy, their attitude about you will change.
This is one of the deepest lessons I have learned in my life, because it taught me that while love can be unconditional, you can't always expect it to be.
One of the most freeing moments of my existence were the words I told my first adoptive mom when she demanded I tell her I loved her.
"I have respect for you as a human being, but I will never love you."
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